Love in The Times of Contagion

Hey My Loves!

Again, I know it's been too long and for that I apologize. I wish I had a decent reason for being gone so long, but I do not. If I were to write you guys, every time I think of you, we'd have a million stories and words. I'm going to do much better at dropping by more often.

Right before Felix was born I decided I was going to start this blog and make it like letters that my Momo used to write me - full of love and fun things while also passing along little things that she knew were important. In the twelve or thirteen years that have passed since Felix arrived, I've changed format and my mind and top-secret spy locations a whole bunch of times - now you guys are pretty much all grown up and capable of understanding more complicated things and sentences and whatnot. So, I'm just going to keep doing this but make it more like a letter or a journal.

*Do you guys keep journals? If you don't, you might just love it. Get yourself a sweet empty book

with pages you love to touch. Find pens that fit your hand and have ink in colors you like. Tell yourself that every day you are going to write something. Anything, really. From what I've seen - you're very smart and you write well. Journalilng (I think that's what they call it) is a kinda cool way to do a whole bunch of things. Not the least of which is ....

one  Learn how to write well. Write your name, write your address, write numbers and letters and symbols in ways that show your style or attention to detail. Writing is a blast. When you have just the right ink, on just the right paper - it's like beautiful power. You can do or say or create anything you want and nobody is the boss of you but you.

I hope this little spot of staying home is at least a little fun for all of you. I also very much hope it's only a little spot and not some kinda long-term plan, because I'm just not really loving it so much. I do have to wonder though - what DO you guys do at school that makes it last all day long. I'm getting to help teach and herd a couple most-excellent teenagers, a little here and there, and we pretty much have all the actual school work done by noonish.

What's it like at your house? Are you missing all your buddies at school? I miss my friends so bad it hurts sometimes, but I think I'm getting better at being happy doing nothing, all by myself.

two  Learn how to enjoy your own company. Learn how to sit still. I could make each one of these things their very own books (like the bazillions of writers before me have done) but for me, they are so closely related, that I think you need to learn both at the same time. I also think that when I say "sit still" I really might mean, learn how to do nothing and be happy. What with the whole world screeching to a halt, I've found that I really do have time to not be doing something. I'm still not very good at it, but I think when you get to be an adult and you have to pay bills and whatnot, you forget how to stare at clouds or chase frogs... basically - do nothing. I really hope you don't forget how to be happy all by yourself, doing nothing.

three Get a job. Yea, I know you're still a kid, but I was on payroll when I was 8 or 9... your

mom or dad was too. It's a great way to make your own money to buy your own cool stuff. Just 'cuz all your friends don't have jobs means you have to be unemployed, too. Just put down these screens and go offer to mow the lawn or clean an entire bathroom; Ask where the cleaners and rags are. I'll bet you dollars to donuts, your parent will smile and ask if you want PayPal or Venmo or what. All y'all are going to be looking at dorm rooms or apartments within the next handful of years and you're going to want the nice stuff that you've grown accostomed to. Chop chop, buttercup. 

That's all I got besides don't ever give up hope. 

I started this note to you at the end of March.

It took me THIS long to remember that we got this. 

Protest where you can, smash the patriarchy

&

Don't touch your face.

xomomo

Judged by the Company

yo.

I completely forgot about this old thang, over here but have a kinda urgent and compelling need to see if I've got something resolved and I get to go find a new dealio to identify. I know I used to just you three things, but you're growing up so nicely I shall give you more.

Shoutin'out to my posse, today. My small but exceptional group of humans who are most all of the good and none of the bad are the reflection I see of myself, on my best days. I'm defined by the company I keep because I'm tragically empathetic. Like for real tragic and crippling and probably in the DSM with warnings and the support of Big Pharma. 

(Also worth loving is the fact that the reason we get to have cliches is because they are built on truth. My mother's most favorite cliche was "You lay down with the dogs, you get up with fleas" and that is where this has been percolating in me for the last few years. I was accidentally way too nice to a whole bunch of folks who had even less than I do, but I forgot about boundaries and almost without exception, woke up with the fleas who had stolen my money and car.)

Now, I'm sure you're wildly curious about why my posse rocks so hard and I'm gonna do my best to be specific and fast. So hold on.

I love that my loves don't daydrink whiskey or do coke/crack/meth. I'm immensely proud of the contributions they make to our world - they teach and volunteer and use their resources to make the world a better place. They don't abandon their babies with their parents and they accept responsibility like a boss. I get to sit on the porch with giants. They edit books & direct middle school plays, they are full-time caretakers for parents or children or they work 12 hour shifts on the oncology floor. I don't aim to glorify work or define anybody by the career they've worked hard to build (I do know that when they succeed, I always feel like I'm succeeding.) It also allows us a super cool place to vent about our jobs, too... mostly because we have them. I'm sure it's elitist or some other equally horrifying cruel statement about our times or my color, level of entitlement or the country I live in, but I love that I get to hang out with people who use their time well. They've always expected a little more out of themselves and they've actively engaged themselves in finding it. 

They compose and engineer or plan daytrip adventures and they never ever make people they've just met, feel Less Than. Ever. They open doors and offer up chairs. The people I most want to be like are kinda like my grandparents were, in that they understood social grace, boundaries and kindness. They don't consume rooms with narcissistic shocking acts designed to give them stage and OMG how I love that part. They practice or pray and they relax and laugh like their lives depend on it, but they seem to understand that there are times for a little of everything, in a full life. On our best days they make me feel ten feet tall.

I get to love people who give generously. They donate money that they don't really have and time pulled from the thin air of an impossibly overbooked life, to help people and not even make social media posts about their generosity. My world involves a lot of "Please" and "Thank you" and an occasional "Sorry" when it's called for.  I love it when we say "good morning" and "g'night" or "drive careful" and we know it won't be met with silent stares or angry grunts. I'm hopeful that we can bring these little things back into vogue... make them cool again. (Maybe these words are grown in volunteering, because they all do some of that, too.)

One of my most favorite things in the world has become people who can engage in a conversation instead of delivering a soliloquy  Almost none of my hours are spent enduring mansplaining or gaslighting, anymore. This family or posse or tribe or whatever the proper term is, has no trouble communicating. And, I don't mind tellin'you: THIS rocks. It's also made it easier and faster to identify the feelings these tricks produce in me and the volume of their insufferability I've never had so little stomach for foolishness. Nor have I had such a fine-tuned ability to distance myself from the fleas who do this. That part is every kind of cool.

My people are some of the chattiest and most clever idgets on the planet. We can talk from coast to coast and it makes cross-country trips feel like afternoon outings. We pun and have inside jokes that crack us up. We laugh a lot. A.LOT, a lot. We are also world-class cryers and can flood a room with tears for days, when the occassion calls for it. I think I'm just glad to be surrounded by people who get to be in touch with their feelings to both give AND receive love so authentically. They're real and multi-dimensional. 

We've gone through life well enough to listen as well as we talk so my loves actually know things about me and my family of origin or the students I play with and some of my most beloved clients. We all know each other's birthdays and special days that need to be handled with care (sadness anniversaries.) Listening is a lost art, it seems lately, and this part of the party is incredibly awesome.

The thing I speak of most here is that my loves got some mad respect. They hug with meaning, heartbeat to heartbeat for at least a hot second, for maximum pleasure. They are not shallow and duplicituous and they work overtime to not offend anybody. They do what they say they're going to do and they show up mostly ontime. They help babies and old people and they rescue dogs and cats. I am not shitting you when I say that I am surrounded by the most solid group of pioneers I've ever gotten to be near and I'm grateful.

When and if I ever judge you harshly for keeping friends who I don't think are good enough for you, I will hope that you get it and allow me just a slice of judgey mcjudgerton because I think you're better than that. And, you'll know That when it arrives and you'll want better for yourself.  I would give everybody in the world what I've got, if I could - but the best I can do is tell you about it so you can go find it for yourself. 

That is all and I love you and carry on.

xomoe

dogs, boats & everything

one Know that I didn't write these rules, they just are what they are. You will be judged by the company you keep. If you lay down with dogs you probably will wake up with fleas (especially when you're laying down with dogs whose owners don't subscribe to flea treatments.) Should you ever find yourself wondering what you're doing hanging out with people who do things that constantly embarrass you, you probably need to re-evaluate. It may always be more comfortable to hang with people who have no expectations (of themselves and you) but it's a lot more rewarding to hang with those who make you try to be a better a person. I'd do that instead.

two Try not to buy big ol' expensive toys that exceed your skill set. If, for instance, you think you need a motor boat - you'd best learn how to start and stop it before you put it in the water. There is great responsibility attached to the privilege of ownership. In the case of owning a boat: You'll also need some rope, extra life jackets, buoys, a fire extinguisher and a whole bunch of other stuff too. These big ol' toys require pretty constant cash infusions and a whole pantload of common sense. Boats also require gasoline, lots and lots of gasoline. Just know that the bigger and more expensive the toys: The more you'll be required to put into 'em. It just makes you look silly when you have big expensive toys and you don't know how to use them properly.

three There may come a day when you think you know everything, not about everything, necessarily, but about something. It's going to be hard, but you need to remember that you probably don't know everything and are probably not qualified to be the end-all resource on what ever topic it is that you think you know every single thing about. Hedge your bets, baby. Leave room for there to be addendums or additions to what you are pontificating about. You may know a lot, but you probably don't know everything. And, this is not an indictment, it's just fact. You are still brilliant, baby, and way above average.

copyright 2011 moemasters thesethreethings

honesty, boot straps and that tone

one Say what you mean and mean what you say. If there is someone whom you can just barely stand to be around, find a kind way to permanently excuse yourself from spending time in their company. You shouldn’t have to be a jerk about it, but the longer you allow a relationship to grow, the harder it is going to be to extract yourself from it gracefully.

two No matter how cool and good and thoughtful you may think you are: There are still going to be people who won’t like you. They’re pretty easy to spot, and it falls to you to walk away and avoid the absolutely rancid taste of that drama. Get over it. They may have even liked you in the beginning, or you may have had one really great night where all the stars lined up right and you were with the perfect blend of friends. And, there are still going to be people who don’t like you. It’s just life. Pull yourself up by the boot straps and don’t look back

three If I ever hear you take that tone with your mom or dad, I will gladly be the Momo who steps up with my moderately scary Momo-voice and throws down some old-school discipline that will make your hair curl. And, don’t think I won’t. Understand this much: As I write this you are my perfect grandbabies and I can hardly even imagine you being anything less than perfect. I've just gotten to meet some monstrously ill-behaved, dangerously mean kids. While their parents are responsible for failing to step-up to the parenting plate, I know they haven't been the only grown-ups those babies were exposed to. You know what the right thing to do is. Just do it.

copyright 2011 moemasters thesethreethings

Happiness, Friends & Slumber

one The Dalai Lama has been quoted saying that “The central method for achieving a happier life is to train your mind in a daily practice that weakens negative attitudes and strengthens positive ones.” Think happy thoughts and make the unhappy ones go away. In with the Einstein, out with the Hitler.

two Sleep tight and often. It's almost impossible to be happy when you are completely exhausted. Get your rest and you'll be happier. You'll look better too, so there's that. Just get your rest when you can.

three Have friends who are important to you. Cultivate those relationships and make sure they grow. Friends make you happier and they are like little love bombs adding to your radiance.  Friends make this whole trip a lot more fun and you would be silly not to have some.

copyright 2010 thesethreethings

Old friend, role models and allowance

начало Cultivate friendships with people older than you. You don't really need to jump right on this one as a child, but as soon as you're able to actually understand a lot of the things you see and hear - it's a great idea to get someone in your corner who understands it better than you. This is not a Universal Truth, I've met way too many extremely limited older folks, but in general, if you get to build a friendship with someone 20 years older than you, do it.

секунда Be cautious about who you choose to look at as a role model. Some people are capable of doing some pretty horrendous things to other people in the name of "love" or "friendship." And, it's not always going to be easy to spot them, but pay attention to the humans you think you want to grow up and be. 

терция There is a cliche or a colloquialism or something that says, "What you allow, you teach." This one is important: IF you allow people to treat you like a lesser human, they will learn that the only way to treat you is like a lesser human. I have given you a solid foundation here, built on things that I have mostly screwed up - THIS is my biggest one. I have allowed some heinous stuff. I would really hope that you won't. Never forget your back-bone and your seriously sharp and real "Spidey Senses." Pay attention to your intuition and instinct.

copyright 2010 moemasters

Fair is a Good Friend who will tell you if you're sportin' a Bad Haircut.

një Life is not fair. It never has been and never will be, so buck up. If this is part of your foundation going in, you should be fine. There are always going to be Wild Cards and fireballs lobbed at your castle right after you got the vegetables put in. Just expect the unexpected, do the right things and know that it is not always going to be fair. Hedge your bets and stand up straight.

dy Make friends, have friends and then play with your friends. It's important to have friends and to learn how to be a friend. Friends make our time here a lot more fun and safe. Being alone is a good thing too, but make sure you've got some solid simpaticos in your corner.

tre Do not cut your hair all by yourself in a dimly-lit bathroom. Nothing good will come of it and you'll have to explain yourself the next time you see a professional hair person or leave the house and go anywhere in public. Let this urge pass and you'll thank me.

copyright 2010 thesethreethings