Love in The Times of Contagion

Hey My Loves!

Again, I know it's been too long and for that I apologize. I wish I had a decent reason for being gone so long, but I do not. If I were to write you guys, every time I think of you, we'd have a million stories and words. I'm going to do much better at dropping by more often.

Right before Felix was born I decided I was going to start this blog and make it like letters that my Momo used to write me - full of love and fun things while also passing along little things that she knew were important. In the twelve or thirteen years that have passed since Felix arrived, I've changed format and my mind and top-secret spy locations a whole bunch of times - now you guys are pretty much all grown up and capable of understanding more complicated things and sentences and whatnot. So, I'm just going to keep doing this but make it more like a letter or a journal.

*Do you guys keep journals? If you don't, you might just love it. Get yourself a sweet empty book

with pages you love to touch. Find pens that fit your hand and have ink in colors you like. Tell yourself that every day you are going to write something. Anything, really. From what I've seen - you're very smart and you write well. Journalilng (I think that's what they call it) is a kinda cool way to do a whole bunch of things. Not the least of which is ....

one  Learn how to write well. Write your name, write your address, write numbers and letters and symbols in ways that show your style or attention to detail. Writing is a blast. When you have just the right ink, on just the right paper - it's like beautiful power. You can do or say or create anything you want and nobody is the boss of you but you.

I hope this little spot of staying home is at least a little fun for all of you. I also very much hope it's only a little spot and not some kinda long-term plan, because I'm just not really loving it so much. I do have to wonder though - what DO you guys do at school that makes it last all day long. I'm getting to help teach and herd a couple most-excellent teenagers, a little here and there, and we pretty much have all the actual school work done by noonish.

What's it like at your house? Are you missing all your buddies at school? I miss my friends so bad it hurts sometimes, but I think I'm getting better at being happy doing nothing, all by myself.

two  Learn how to enjoy your own company. Learn how to sit still. I could make each one of these things their very own books (like the bazillions of writers before me have done) but for me, they are so closely related, that I think you need to learn both at the same time. I also think that when I say "sit still" I really might mean, learn how to do nothing and be happy. What with the whole world screeching to a halt, I've found that I really do have time to not be doing something. I'm still not very good at it, but I think when you get to be an adult and you have to pay bills and whatnot, you forget how to stare at clouds or chase frogs... basically - do nothing. I really hope you don't forget how to be happy all by yourself, doing nothing.

three Get a job. Yea, I know you're still a kid, but I was on payroll when I was 8 or 9... your

mom or dad was too. It's a great way to make your own money to buy your own cool stuff. Just 'cuz all your friends don't have jobs means you have to be unemployed, too. Just put down these screens and go offer to mow the lawn or clean an entire bathroom; Ask where the cleaners and rags are. I'll bet you dollars to donuts, your parent will smile and ask if you want PayPal or Venmo or what. All y'all are going to be looking at dorm rooms or apartments within the next handful of years and you're going to want the nice stuff that you've grown accostomed to. Chop chop, buttercup. 

That's all I got besides don't ever give up hope. 

I started this note to you at the end of March.

It took me THIS long to remember that we got this. 

Protest where you can, smash the patriarchy

&

Don't touch your face.

xomomo

Judged by the Company

yo.

I completely forgot about this old thang, over here but have a kinda urgent and compelling need to see if I've got something resolved and I get to go find a new dealio to identify. I know I used to just you three things, but you're growing up so nicely I shall give you more.

Shoutin'out to my posse, today. My small but exceptional group of humans who are most all of the good and none of the bad are the reflection I see of myself, on my best days. I'm defined by the company I keep because I'm tragically empathetic. Like for real tragic and crippling and probably in the DSM with warnings and the support of Big Pharma. 

(Also worth loving is the fact that the reason we get to have cliches is because they are built on truth. My mother's most favorite cliche was "You lay down with the dogs, you get up with fleas" and that is where this has been percolating in me for the last few years. I was accidentally way too nice to a whole bunch of folks who had even less than I do, but I forgot about boundaries and almost without exception, woke up with the fleas who had stolen my money and car.)

Now, I'm sure you're wildly curious about why my posse rocks so hard and I'm gonna do my best to be specific and fast. So hold on.

I love that my loves don't daydrink whiskey or do coke/crack/meth. I'm immensely proud of the contributions they make to our world - they teach and volunteer and use their resources to make the world a better place. They don't abandon their babies with their parents and they accept responsibility like a boss. I get to sit on the porch with giants. They edit books & direct middle school plays, they are full-time caretakers for parents or children or they work 12 hour shifts on the oncology floor. I don't aim to glorify work or define anybody by the career they've worked hard to build (I do know that when they succeed, I always feel like I'm succeeding.) It also allows us a super cool place to vent about our jobs, too... mostly because we have them. I'm sure it's elitist or some other equally horrifying cruel statement about our times or my color, level of entitlement or the country I live in, but I love that I get to hang out with people who use their time well. They've always expected a little more out of themselves and they've actively engaged themselves in finding it. 

They compose and engineer or plan daytrip adventures and they never ever make people they've just met, feel Less Than. Ever. They open doors and offer up chairs. The people I most want to be like are kinda like my grandparents were, in that they understood social grace, boundaries and kindness. They don't consume rooms with narcissistic shocking acts designed to give them stage and OMG how I love that part. They practice or pray and they relax and laugh like their lives depend on it, but they seem to understand that there are times for a little of everything, in a full life. On our best days they make me feel ten feet tall.

I get to love people who give generously. They donate money that they don't really have and time pulled from the thin air of an impossibly overbooked life, to help people and not even make social media posts about their generosity. My world involves a lot of "Please" and "Thank you" and an occasional "Sorry" when it's called for.  I love it when we say "good morning" and "g'night" or "drive careful" and we know it won't be met with silent stares or angry grunts. I'm hopeful that we can bring these little things back into vogue... make them cool again. (Maybe these words are grown in volunteering, because they all do some of that, too.)

One of my most favorite things in the world has become people who can engage in a conversation instead of delivering a soliloquy  Almost none of my hours are spent enduring mansplaining or gaslighting, anymore. This family or posse or tribe or whatever the proper term is, has no trouble communicating. And, I don't mind tellin'you: THIS rocks. It's also made it easier and faster to identify the feelings these tricks produce in me and the volume of their insufferability I've never had so little stomach for foolishness. Nor have I had such a fine-tuned ability to distance myself from the fleas who do this. That part is every kind of cool.

My people are some of the chattiest and most clever idgets on the planet. We can talk from coast to coast and it makes cross-country trips feel like afternoon outings. We pun and have inside jokes that crack us up. We laugh a lot. A.LOT, a lot. We are also world-class cryers and can flood a room with tears for days, when the occassion calls for it. I think I'm just glad to be surrounded by people who get to be in touch with their feelings to both give AND receive love so authentically. They're real and multi-dimensional. 

We've gone through life well enough to listen as well as we talk so my loves actually know things about me and my family of origin or the students I play with and some of my most beloved clients. We all know each other's birthdays and special days that need to be handled with care (sadness anniversaries.) Listening is a lost art, it seems lately, and this part of the party is incredibly awesome.

The thing I speak of most here is that my loves got some mad respect. They hug with meaning, heartbeat to heartbeat for at least a hot second, for maximum pleasure. They are not shallow and duplicituous and they work overtime to not offend anybody. They do what they say they're going to do and they show up mostly ontime. They help babies and old people and they rescue dogs and cats. I am not shitting you when I say that I am surrounded by the most solid group of pioneers I've ever gotten to be near and I'm grateful.

When and if I ever judge you harshly for keeping friends who I don't think are good enough for you, I will hope that you get it and allow me just a slice of judgey mcjudgerton because I think you're better than that. And, you'll know That when it arrives and you'll want better for yourself.  I would give everybody in the world what I've got, if I could - but the best I can do is tell you about it so you can go find it for yourself. 

That is all and I love you and carry on.

xomoe

Mother's Day Bonus Round: Three Cliche's De-Mystified

primero Dumber than a box of rocks (or a bucket of hammers) Also applies: If dumb were dirt, he'd be about an acre. In the course of a life time you will, inevitably meet someone who just doesn't have the sense to come in out of the rain and couldn't find their butt with both hands. For every single magnificently smart person, there is an stunningly clueless person. There is also everything in between. Set your expectations accordingly.

segundo Beauty is in the eye of the beholder only because nobody but you can know what you like. Try not to be judgmental about what other people like - they don't see (or hear or taste or feel) exactly what you do. Be kind.

tercio Measure twice, cut once. This applies to fabric and wood as much as anything I've dealt with. You can throw away some gigantic bank in a heartbeat by cutting a piece too short. The more expensive the material is that you are working with, the greater the chances are that something could go wrong. It seems to be exponential. Don't cut corners and think you're saving yourself time. Ever. Just measure twice and cut once. If you're, like, really tired or not well-fed - measure three times.

The Same in Any language

UN
It is not only entirely possible, but probable that you will deal with a broken heart. Your heart will be broke and you will break somebody else's heart. It's inevitable and very few things in life suck so much.
It's not like it happens every day, or anything. But, know that and play nicely.
Be really really freakin careful when it comes to hearts. Keep yours safe and use it well. It's all a high-wire act.
Balance and moderation. Just don't be afraid to test the limits. 

Be in it all the way or don't be in it at all.
Expect to get the wind knocked out of you from time to time and know it's way so very much worth the ride.

DEUX

ALWAYS over-tip your servers. The hardest part of the work-force gets paid very little hourly to serve you well. You're job is to tip well in return. Be nice to them and get all engaged with it. Leave some bank behind. Tip your trash men at Christmas, tip the guy behind the counter who gave you bites of that Lebanese food and wouldn't charge you. Tip. Tip well, don't embarrass anybody that way.

TROIS

Expect the unexpected. By this I mean, who would have known that every single cliché and colloquialism you have ever heard is completely rooted in truth? Who saw that coming?

It's probably got a name like Common Sense or something. But, just don't get all locked into thinking you know everything until you've heard every single one of these known to civilized man. They are for real.

(Somehow I slept through this class in school and have been Cliche Challenged since youth. It hasn't worked out that well for me.)

But, you will never guess how your story ends up. Seriously. Maximize your hope and minimize your expectations.
And never waiver on the important stuff.
copyright 2010 thesethreethings