three totally unrelated things

one If it should ever come to pass, which it very well might, that you have to eat at a McDonald's ~ First: Please accept my apology for being any part of a food source that could degrade epicurean bliss so monumentally, and Second: Do NOT eat the chicken McNuggets. Order a cheeseburger with ONLY mustard and onions. They have to special make them and they don’t have any time in a warming tray. They are both safer, and tastier. (And, quite honestly: Cleaner. Pickles can fall out on your face if you don’t bite ‘em just right and ketchup is extra-gross while staining worse and faster than anything on the planet beside plant fertilizer.) I’ve also learned that one of those cheeseburgers can last for up to 9 hours in a purse. I don’t really do load-bearing tests on the time anymore because once I had a bad run-in with a Hardee’s turnpike hamburger. I probably wouldn’t stretch it much past eight hours though, just to be on the safe side.

Bonus Round! You can also order fries with no salt (if you have the time, patience and people watching proclivities) and they have to make those special too. They do a mass salting on the fries as soon as they come outta the fryer. McDonald’s French fries only have a shelf life of about 6 minutes anyways, so no real love lost. Just salt your own fries if you choose to go down that road.

two Don’t climb into bed with filthy feet. I know you played hard all day... but. Really? Baby? You’re going to roll that way? Huh uh. Not on my watch. Those could be 900 count Egyptian cotton sheets. I could have painstakingly bleached them and hung them on the line to dry. God only knows what you’ve tracked in here. You don’t have to take a whole bath, but you do have to wash your feet before you sleep on my good sheets. You are always more than welcome to sleep on the porch, there’s a blanket in the milk box.

three Don’t tease the dog. Yea. Really and please. Just don’t do it. All dogs are just about the same and they get turbo happy about anything food or attention related. But, ultimately – it’s all about the food.  An example of this would be you holding out a hot dog and then snatching it away just when the dog thought he was going to get a bite. Do not do anything like this and learn to avoid the near temptation of this. Dogs bite people who make them mad, that’s why they came with those awesomely ferocious teeth and jaws that open all the way back to their ears. Please do not tease the dog.

Copyright 2011 moemasters thesethreethings

calming down and historic scabs

one Telling people to "Calm Down" when they are just clearly all worked up is the WRONG thing to do. I don't know why, I only know for sure that you ought to find something else to say in these instances. If you are, like, all hanging out with somebody who you know gets twitchy at the drop of a hat, don't be telling them to calm down. For real, Baby. There is another way that does not involve you using the words "Calm Down!" Pay attention to your loves and your words - know who is twitchy and who is not. Mind what you say.

two Don't tell anybody what you used to do. Like, all the time. Don't say, "Oh yea, I used to be the girl who brought Gandhi coffee..." just don't do it. It does not matter who you used to be or what you used to do (unless you are on a job interview. If that's the case: None of this applies.) The only thing that matters is who you are here ... now... with me in this moment. For real Baby. We have all been some places and done some things. If somebody cares enough about you, they will unearth this history on their own. Be.Here.Now. For real.

three Don't pick at that scab. For real. I know it itches and makes you wince when you bend that part of your body, but seriously baby: Do not pick at that scab... This is a universal truth about letting sleeping dogs lie, or lay or stay laid down... or something. But, if you've got some old scab that's just driving you crazy: Walk away from it or make yourself get distracted and that sensation will pass. Don't pick.

copyright 2011 moemasters thesethreethings

crabbiness, thieves and throw-downs

one There are going to be days where you are just crabby. There could well be no one good reason for it, or it could be a cumulative effort from a million small things that you didn't even notice. But, know that there will be days where you won't be sunshine and unicorns. It just happens. It also makes you appreciate the days when you're inexplicably happy WAAAAY more.

two Don't make it easy for the bad guys. At the end of the day, when you're all done riding your bike around the neighborhood, put it away in the garage or wherever it belongs. If you leave it out front, it could get jacked way too easily. And, when you grow up, don't leave your keys in the ignition of your unlocked car. Someday it will get stolen. On the Internet: Protect yourself. Just be as smart about it as you can be ~ think it through. Just don't make it any easier for the bad guys than it already is. They're crafty and apparently have a lot of time on their hands to think up new and clever ways to upset your applecart.

three People who love each other will have disagreements. The greater the love, the greater the pain and the bigger the throw-downs. There could be slamming, stomping, swearing and tears. Probably. Maybe. That doesn't mean that it's time for you to bail. Learn to fight* fair and don't sucker-punch the people you love (and who love you) most. Get over it and iron out all the wrinkles as soon as you can. Anything worth having is worth fighting for.** And, conversely: If you find yourself on the front porch of a fight but you don't really want to burn the calories on it: It's probably not worth it to you and you need to cut ties and walk away.

*Fighting should never ever involve physical contact. I'm talking about disagreements here. IF anybody ever hits you or bites or kicks you: RUN AWAY, little baby. 

**I say these things like I know or have tested the theories. I have personally never experienced any degree of success in this arena, but I know people who've been together for 20-30 years, and I've seen how they roll.

copyright 2011 moemasters thesethreethings

passwords, moms and commerce

one Put all your passwords and logons in one place, on your computer. And, put them in your wallet too. Or something. I just spent an hour trying to remember who I was and how I got here. Write this stuff down. For real. That was a ridiculous hour of my life that I'll never get back.

two Call your mother*. If you have one, call her. By the time you are able to read this, it will probably be just as appropriate to text, PM, email or post on your mother's wall, as well. There is a fine line that separates creepy mom-dependence from love ~ so walk it carefully. Her job was to teach you to fly just as much as it is your job to leave the nest. And you still probably need to drop into her orbit from time to time.

three Be Local. Buy local and go to the stores that your neighbors own and buy the goods that come from the people you know. Spend your hard-earned dollars in places where you know the merchants. I know it would just be easier to go to Walmart, but you don't have to. Your neighbors have almost everything you need and they are just as hungry as you are. They will gladly trade you goods and services for money. Keep your money in the neighborhood, y'know? 

* "Mother" in this case does not necessarily mean your mom, but is rather a generic kind of term for whoever has provided maternal nurturing and made sacrifices on your behalf to ensure that you didn't grow up to be feral, thoughtless and embarrassing.

copyright 2011 moemasters thesethreethings

speaking, stuff and sinks

one Learn to stop speaking. Do not over-sell. If you pay attention, you can see the very moment that somebody gets it. You don't always have to have the last word. Quit selling sometimes. Have faith in the fact that every once in a while you really will have the best idea ever and you won't need to dress it up in it's Sunday Best to get others to agree.

two Know that everything could be gone in a heart beat. Look around: All of this that you see could just as easily vanish as not. So, please, try not to hinge your well-being on the things that surround you. They are all transitory. One good flood, tornado, earthquake, fire or hurricane and they are all gone. All Gone. Like, permanently. I know it sounds trite, baby ~ but all that really matters is the people you are able to surround yourself with and the love you are lucky enough to give and receive.

three If your sink starts to smelling funky for unknown reasons (it's not really a mystery, there's probably some funk in the trap) just get your Arm & Hammer baking soda out and shake a couple poofs into the offensive area and follow it up with a slug of vinegar. It can be any kind of vinegar, but not too much of it. It will foam up like a volcano (which is, admittedly, extremely cool) and wash the smell away for a minute or two. You will eventually need to get under there and take that trap out, but this should buy you some time.

copyright 2011 moemasters thesethreethings

honor, discretion and skepticism

one Be skeptical. To be skeptical means that you don't take just everything at face value. Not everybody is telling the truth all the time and some things aren't really what they seem. We all only have this one filter through which to see stuff and we all see different stuff. Just know that if you really want to believe something or trust in someone ~ You need to be grounded in respect for the process. Do your research, don't compromise and never forget that anything can be Photoshopped in and digitally enhanced. Where a picture used to be worth a thousand words, it is now worth about $399.

two Be discreet. You could very well be one of those people to whom complete strangers will walk up and share their most intimate secrets. They will tell you incredible stories full of rich details. These stories will be sensational; they'll make you laugh and cry and laugh till you cry. Sometimes, they'll keep you up at night. You don't need to be sharing what you hear with anybody else. It's an unwieldy power ... this thing that makes us hear stories. Just because you know it doesn't mean you have to share it. (Unless it's especially brutal and could be changed by the telling.) Discretion is the better part of valor.

three Be honorable. Do the right thing. For real. I know I've said it to you here before, but I haven't specifically said this: Be True and Strong. Yes, with capital letters. Do what you say you're going to do and don't do what you say won't. Respect your elders, don't cuss or spit or chew gum in public or talk on your cell phone while you're waiting on somebody. Clean your plate and eat what you're given. Pick up your clothes and help out whenever you can. Make eye contact, smile from your heart and have a good handshake (or handshake/hug combination.) Learn to write legibly and honor your commitments. Think happy thoughts (as much as is possible.) Don't take advantage of people or situations, and know, little baby, that if you don't play nice and I'm up in heaven (when you are an old, old person ... like 30 or 35) - I'll see every little thing you do. I know you know what I'm talking about here. Baby, be good.

copyright 2011 moemasters thesethreethings

honesty, boot straps and that tone

one Say what you mean and mean what you say. If there is someone whom you can just barely stand to be around, find a kind way to permanently excuse yourself from spending time in their company. You shouldn’t have to be a jerk about it, but the longer you allow a relationship to grow, the harder it is going to be to extract yourself from it gracefully.

two No matter how cool and good and thoughtful you may think you are: There are still going to be people who won’t like you. They’re pretty easy to spot, and it falls to you to walk away and avoid the absolutely rancid taste of that drama. Get over it. They may have even liked you in the beginning, or you may have had one really great night where all the stars lined up right and you were with the perfect blend of friends. And, there are still going to be people who don’t like you. It’s just life. Pull yourself up by the boot straps and don’t look back

three If I ever hear you take that tone with your mom or dad, I will gladly be the Momo who steps up with my moderately scary Momo-voice and throws down some old-school discipline that will make your hair curl. And, don’t think I won’t. Understand this much: As I write this you are my perfect grandbabies and I can hardly even imagine you being anything less than perfect. I've just gotten to meet some monstrously ill-behaved, dangerously mean kids. While their parents are responsible for failing to step-up to the parenting plate, I know they haven't been the only grown-ups those babies were exposed to. You know what the right thing to do is. Just do it.

copyright 2011 moemasters thesethreethings